I'd like to insert you into my mother

A bilingual relationship can be complex. It can create misunderstandings by the dozen, it can cause arguments over whether the word ‘sandwich’ is French or English and it can generate embarrassing moments in front of family members when a Scottish girl says to her French boyfriend’s parents that she would like to insert them into her mother, (‘introduire’ in French means to insert. What I wanted to say was "I’d like to introduce you to my mother").

However, it always adds an element of hilarity to a relationship.

My knowledge of French is nowhere near fluent yet. I can hold a conversation about any subject one so chooses but I often make idiotic mistakes which have the effect of making the French peter de rire, or, in English, laugh their asses off. FP tells me it’s cute; I make the mistakes that a child of five might make. And so that is my level of French – a five year old. A five year old who knows all the naughty words, that is.

FP’s English was as bad as my French when we first met, but now he can talk surprisingly fluently in English, with some mistakes, but once again, they are cute. Sometimes I hope he will never talk perfectly en anglais, because his sweet little mistakes make me smile.

Here are a few I love;

Foot fingers – toes

Make down – to take make up off

Liquid poo – diarrhoea

Chicken flesh – goose pimples

Are you blessed? – are you hurt?

I have ants! – I have pins and needles!


Et mes erreurs en français (and my silly mistakes in French);

Le Reveilleur – Le reveile (English: "waker uper" – alarm clock)

Mon sang fait des boules – j’ai des fourmis (English: "my blood is making bubbles" – I have pins & needles)

Je toujours suis la - Je suis toujours la

Quand FP me visite – quand FP vient me rendre visite (English: "When FP makes love to me" [except way more vulgar!!] – When FP visits me)

You see? If we spoke the same mother language we would miss out on all this hilarity!

P.S. Mum, please do not be offended...